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I-Spy an M-way Loser

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Mark Simpson on the motorway drivers we all love to hate.

Statistically the safest roads to drive on, there’s nevertheless something about motorways that seems to bring out the very worst in drivers. Other drivers, that is. Never you or me, of course.

Maybe it’s because there’s no motorway driving in the driving test. I suspect though that it’s more because M-ways aren’t really anywhere. They’re a limbo land of anonymous boredom where people’s darkest personality defects come out to play – magnified frighteningly by the horsepower they’re barely in charge of. A motorway is a three lane, high speed Rorschach test.

Here’s a list of some of those that fail it. Badly.

The Tailgater

Everyone’s favourite M-way psycho, the tailgater is the driver who insists you admire their shiny BMW badge in your mirrors. Before you both come to a sudden, mangled, sticky end.

Responsible for the very worst motorway accidents by ingeniously turning the two second rule for the minimum safe distance into a two inch maximum one, on-the-spot fines of £100 and three penalty points were recently introduced to deter the tailgater (and also the lane-hogger). Though no one really expects them to work. Tailgaters live – and die – to tailgate. You just can’t put a price on sadism.

Diagnosis: Fuel-injected sociopath. Or disgraced  Government Minister.

The Bonnetgater

Overtakes you and then cuts you up, forcing you to slow down so as to maintain a safe distance. Hilariously, the bonnetgater will often actually decelerate after they’ve plonked themselves two inches in front of you. They’ve achieved their objective – making you taste their exhaust – so why waste fuel while picking their nose?

The worst thing about the bonnetgater isn’t their thoughtlessness towards other road users, who no longer exist once they’re no longer in the way. No, it’s because they turn you into an unconsensual tailgater. You’re on their bumper and you haven’t even been introduced.

Diagnosis: No sense of personal space. Or sense.

The Undertaker

Decides that the minimum safe distance you’ve left between you and the car in front as you overtake traffic on the left is in fact reserved for them and overtakes you at 100 MPH on the inside lane to occupy it, while on the phone and eating a burger and smoking.

To get you in the mood, this charming manoeuvre is usually preceded by a spot of especially aggressive tailgating and light flashing.

Diagnosis: Probably a former chairman of an ethical Bank.

The Brake-Light Flasher

Hasn’t worked out that if you drive properly on a motorway, leaving a safe distance, and actually looking through the rather useful device called ‘a windscreen’, the accelerator is of much more use – and much less bloody annoying for everyone else – than the brake pedal.

Diagnosis: They’re using morse code to spell out: ‘I-NEED-A-RETEST’

The Outside Lane Kamikazi

Literally cannot leave a motorway from any lane other than the outside one – braking as they swoop across three lanes because they’ve left it far, far too late. Not because they forgot their exit but because they have to OVERTAKE AS MANY CARS AS THEY CAN BEFORE THEY LEAVE THE MOTORWAY OTHERWISE THEIR LIFE IS A TOTAL FAILURE.

Diagnosis: A total failure

The Slip-Road Kamikaze

This is in fact the Outside Lane Kamikaze when they join the motorway. Instead of ‘giving priority to traffic already on the motorway’ and matching their speed ‘to fit safely into the traffic flow in the left hand lane’ as dictated by the Highway Code, they treat the slip road as an overtaking lane – or a pit-stop exit ramp.

Once again, they have to overtake as many cars as possible before swerving in front of you just before they run out of slip – and then finishing the manoeuvre with a masterful swerve across two lanes into the outside lane, sans indicator, natch.

Diagnosis: Still a total failure

The Dozy Racer

Accelerates while you’re overtaking. Can be a deliberate tactic of boy racers showing off their torque, but more usually a sneaky application of the throttle by someone waking up to the horrifying fact there are other people on their motorway.

An annoying dilemma. If you refuse to rise to the bait and don’t accelerate, pulling in behind them instead, they’re bound to slow down and you’ll find yourself in the same situation again. But if you give in to temptation and accelerate you may then have to keep up the same excessive speed as you find yourself both locked in a battle of pretending that you’re not racing.

Diagnosis: Passive-aggressive nightmare. Probably your ex.

The Bad Van Driver

Everyone hates bad van drivers. Van drivers hate bad van drivers. The worst vans should have a scented jiggling fist hanging from the interior light.

The main reason people hate them is they’ve gotten bigger and bigger over the years – and faster and faster. Once upon a time it used to just be Mercedes vans that could zoom. Now they’re all pocket white wagons that cruise in the outside lane – and never leave it, except to do the kind of kamikaze exit mentioned above.

Worst of all, it’s often someone else’s diesel and someone else’s wear and tear they’re burning up. Unlike you.

Diagnosis: Too much pastry rots your brain

The Lorry Driver from Duel

Pulls out their eighteen wheel rig faster than it takes their indicator to flash once –while you’re just beginning to overtake. Will also sometimes tailgate you to pass the time, especially when you’re alone together in an average speed check contraflow at night, in the rain, dazzling you with headlights the size of your rear window. (Lorry drivers seem to know something the rest of us don’t about average speed cameras).

Diagnosis: Misunderstood gentle giants (PLEASE don’t tailgate me again!)

The Whiner

Passes the time by complaining endlessly about other motorway drivers and compiling whingeing lists of their failings – while hypocritically practising some of the very same outrages himself from time to time.

Diagnosis: Journalist.

The Highway Code – Motorway Driving

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